Book a Stress-Free Getaway | The New Yorker
Comfort Near Water
Lacey Township, N.J.
Recently refurbished houseboat. Sleeps four guests comfortably, and many more less comfortably, but it’s definitely doable and safe, though no jumping all at once, please. Adorable kitchenette with mini-fridge, electric kettle, and retro classic compact microwave. Spacious patio seating, no chairs. Luxe bathroom equipped with drainable shower, toilet, and ultra-dissolving double-ply toilet paper, extra fee for second roll (regular T.P. will clog, triggering extra cleaning fee).
The stone’s-throw-away waterfront has much to offer: brilliant sunsets, live music, full-service bars and restaurants, a boardwalk, and chartered cruises.
Note: During the off-season (now), the houseboat is parked in the host’s driveway. Guests will need to drive the houseboat to the marina and dock it. Host will provide necessary paperwork. Knowledge of operating heavy machinery preferred but not required.
City Paradise
New York, N.Y.
Top-floor apartment in coveted residential neighborhood of midtown Manhattan. This 1BR unit is convertible and can be tailored to your needs. At no extra charge, recyclable cardboard boxes are provided for you to stack and arrange like walls, transforming this one-of-a-kind space into your home away from home. The bath has been designed to be very upscale, with slight modifications to accommodate building codes and reality. Easy access to fire escape through a hidden kitchen nook. Air mattresses have been checked for leaks and come with manual pumps. The water bed, a unique feature and a rare vintage find, has been newly sanitized (water in bed not potable).
Experience the real N.Y.C.! Apartment is near a police station, a fire station, and two hospitals with easily audible ambulances. Get your daily steps in with the thirty-story walkup (elevator out of service, and, for the safety of other residents, deliveries are restricted to the lobby). Wi‑Fi is super good. Comes with a roommate.
Experience Living History!
Lynchburg, Va.
Superbly preserved eighteenth-century Georgian manor house with adjacent log cabin can be rented together for a weekend, a week, or a month (discounts available). Rooms are tastefully decorated with antique writing desks, tall clocks, fireplaces, and a slew of haunting period paintings. You will find no TV or computer screens in this beautiful manor, and, in fact, none are allowed. Instead, find respite, history, and the authentic spectres of former occupants and their employees. Stroll corridors filled with lively conversation; hear and see in faithful detail what transpired almost three centuries ago. The onetime occupants are always happy to be in your company. Follow them from dressing room to powder room and back. Share a pot of tea. Converse over cognac. The former employees can be mercurial. Most often found in the laundry room or near the log cabin, they can seem woeful at first about their lack of benefits and pay, but, once you remind them that the plumbed but not heated log cabin is actually a two-room duplex with great windows and is much better appointed than other employee dwellings in the area, they will see that you are right and that this nation is just.
We can also accommodate special events. Great for corporate team building!
Escape Your Real Life in This Mega Castle
Location disclosed upon booking
Privately owned, gated castle surrounded by formal gardens and romantic cliffs is available for hire exclusively for riotous gatherings of family, friends, or artists in groups of ten or more. We do not accommodate corporate activities or golf tours. This property celebrates codependent joviality in all forms, and those intent on staying here should “legit” and “for real” and “we’re not playing” be ready to unplug from outside responsibilities. There is one room with Wi-Fi, which can be used only during medical emergencies or natural disasters. The castle has seven grand pianos, nineteen balconies, six turrets, and twenty-three chaise longues. It is fully staffed with three operations managers, four chefs, five housekeepers, two gardeners, a custodian, and the custodian’s cat (do not pet).
House rules: breakfast, lunch, and dinner are provided, and everyone must eat together. No meal will commence with an absence. No ice cream will be served before noon. No cappuccinos after noon. Red, white, and orange wines can be requested at most hours, though service will stop between 3 a.m. and 6 a.m. for the wine cellar to be replenished. After breakfast, please stay together and hang out. After lunch, please stay together and hang out. Happy hour is every hour. Brief rest-room breaks are allowed. Should you be caught working, you will be picked up and thrown into the fully functional dungeon for a ten-minute time-out. After dinner, light the fire pit and dance around it to very loud music. Sleep in your own room that you can decorate every inch of or leave a complete mess. Rooms have bathrooms but not locks. An N.D.A. is required upon arrival. Before leaving, don’t forget to sign the guest book! ♦