Excerpts from a Sitcom Set in New York City by Writers Who Are Clearly from California

INT. APARTMENT—NIGHT

Best friends REBECCA (an intern at a boutique book publisher) and _HANNAH (an intern at a fashion magazine) live together in an affordable, two-bedroom apartment on the Upper East Side. They’re throwing a party tonight, like they do most weekends, because their average-size, twenty-five-hundred-square-foot apartment overlooking Central Park is perfect for accommodating big groups. In the kitchen, Rebecca is chatting with MIKE, an attorney at a large corporate law firm, whom she’s just met.

MIKE: This is a great place you guys have here. So quaint and cozy. How’re you liking it?

REBECCA: It’s O.K., but a little cramped. So I’m thinking of moving into a two-bedroom place by myself so that I can have an office.

MIKE: Makes sense.

REBECCA: How about you? What part of New York City do you live in?

MIKE: I’m on the Upper West Side.

REBECCA: Nice! So easy to get to from here!

MIKE: I know, right? Just a short subway ride away!

Meanwhile, Hannah, who is driving back from the convenience store where she’s gone to get ice, is chatting with her friend LINDSAY.

HANNAH: Got any weekend plans?

LINDSAY: I’m going to visit my friend in Princeton.

HANNAH: Are you driving there? What roads are you planning to take? Please tell me in specific detail.

LINDSAY: I’ll probably take the eighty-seven to the ninety-five, then head down New Jersey Turnpike.

HANNAH: Hmm, you might be better off taking Cross Bronx Expressway to the two-seventy-eight.

LINDSAY: You sure? What about taking Bruckner Expressway to the four-ninety-five?

HANNAH: Good thought! Let’s continue to discuss, at length, what the optimal route would be.

Hannah spots an empty space, but, realizing that it requires parallel parking, decides it would be easier to look for a shopping center with a free lot.

INT. UBER—NIGHT

Mike and Rebecca leave the party around midnight to go back to his place. Realizing the subway is no longer running at that hour, they decide to take a reasonably priced seventy-five-dollar Uber.

REBECCA: Don’t you just love driving down Broadway—the street that all the theatres are on?

MIKE: I do. But don’t forget that New York also has a lot of great Off Broadway theatres—the theatres that are just a few blocks off of Broadway.

REBECCA: True! Isn’t it great living in a city where live theatre plays such a big role in our day-to-day lives?

INT. APARTMENT—DAY

Hannah and Linsday are hanging out in Lindsay’s small, two-thousand-square-foot apartment overlooking Central Park. Lindsay props her feet up on the ottoman to unwind after her shift at the classic New York pizza eatery Sbarro. Her hair is frizzy because it’s an unbearably muggy day—thirty-per-cent humidity. In fact, it’s been unusually wet all summer. It’s already rained twice.

HANNAH: Do you mind changing the thermostat? It’s sixty-four degrees in here!

LINSDAY: No problem, I’ll turn the A.C. down to sixty.

INT. APARTMENT—DAY

Mike and Rebecca eat piping-hot Sbarro for breakfast.

MIKE: So what are you doing this weekend to decompress from the fast-paced world of boutique book publishing?

REBECCA: I’m spending the weekend in Long Island.

MIKE: Nice! Isn’t being in Long Island the best? How will you get there?

REBECCA: I’ll take the Lirr.

MIKE: The Lirr? I love taking the Lirr in Long Island!

REBECCA: I do, too! Except when it’s so crowded that I have to wait in line.

MIKE: You’ve had to wait in line for the Lirr in Long Island?

REBECCA: I know, right? I hate waiting in line for the Lirr in Long Island!

INT. APARTMENT—DAY

Hannah and Linsday have just finished discussing their favorite highways for getting to Connecticut. Outside, it’s softly drizzling.

HANNAH: I’m going to drive down to the convenience store to get some ripe avocados to snack on, do you want anything?

LINSDAY: Hannah, you can’t go outside right now, it’s raining!

Hannah looks out the window at the soft drizzle and realizes that Lindsay’s right—going outside in these conditions would be life-threatening.

HANNAH: True. And it’s hard to find shopping-center parking on the Fifth Avenue, anyway. ♦