For the Boyfriend Who Has Nothing: A Gift Guide

Skim Milk, Half-Gallon Carton, $2.44

He doesn’t need to be a foodie to know that off-brand cereal from the bodega below his apartment will taste a lot better with milk than it does with water.

Aim Anticavity Toothpaste Gel, Cinnamon Flavor, $2.16

Dental insurance is also a great splurge gift! But maybe wait to see if you make it to the two-year mark.

Yuengling, Nine Dollars for a Six-Pack

This is just the thing to cheer him up after his short film got rejected from all those festivals.

Coffee Filters, $0.99

But first he’ll need the machine! Just kidding. He can improvise. Your boyfriend isn’t above duct-taping the filter directly to the sides of the 2002 Jingle Bell Fun Run mug that he permanently borrowed from his old roommate.

Your Mom’s HBO Go Password, Free (Well, Free for You)

Unless she changed it since you helped her to set it up back in April, her username is therosensweigfamily@hotmail.com. Password: 5s&W3fcl8. Don’t forget—her cable provider is RCN and her Zip Code is 07920.

Mop to Clean Up the Mess He Made After Quitting Lucrative Marketing Job to Pursue Film Career, $13.47

I’m totally kidding about that second part! But he could use a mop or a Swiffer or something in that category.

Hanes Comfortblend V-Neck T-Shirt, White, $13.50 for a “3-Pak”

The best gift is one that he would never buy for himself. Sure, he’s been getting by in that Middlebury Outing Club T-shirt that he wears at least three times a week, even though red is sort of not his color? But the holidays are a time for luxury.

Tupperware, $12.97 for Twenty-Four-Piece Set

That jury was biased against people who don’t have a degree in film. Seriously, look at the ones they picked! His was so much better. It had this amateur grit that can’t be taught. Also, Tupperware is very useful.

Some Perspective, Free (Well, Free for You)

His parents back in Connecticut are still very much on the scene, if you know what I’m saying. He acts like he doesn’t get help from them, but it kinda seems like he does, based on that very nice external hard drive that materialized last month. I don’t mean this as a dig at him, but, like, you know what I’m saying?

A Banana, $0.25

I can sort of tell he’s not getting enough potassium.