How to Make the World a Better Place in Ten Easy Steps

Fast fashion, fast food, “Fast & Furious 94”—how is anyone supposed to slow down in this capitalist hellscape that insists we be productive every second of every day? How are we supposed to effect positive change when the only release from this high-fructose, high-consumption hysteria is to use our minimal wages to buy a better vacuum cleaner, then a better filter for that vacuum cleaner, and then a Taskrabbit to install that filter?

Here are some simple ways to rebel:

1. It’s not fast fashion if you keep a Forever 21 shirt for ten years. Just because it’s no longer cool to wear a “rawr xD” top doesn’t mean you have to throw it out. Maybe you can use it as a dishrag or bedding for your pet rabbit. Maybe it can go on a (retro) scarecrow!

2. The film industry continues to insist on stuffing reboots down our throats. If we don’t do something soon, they’ll remake “The Godfather” with Matt Rife. As a small act of protest, watch box-office bangers only on long-haul flights, or support that guy on the subway selling pirated DVDs. Unfortunately, this will require you to give your money to a big-box store in exchange for a DVD player.

3. Uber Eats is banking (literally) on you being too busy to cook and instead ordering a sandwich that somehow costs seventy-nine dollars. The processing fee is absolutely not going to the part-time delivery person, but, rather, to a rich jerk who is golfing right now. All of which means that cooking has suddenly become punk rock. The revolution will not be DoorDashed.

4. Social-media tycoons compete to colonize every second of your attention. You can’t overthrow them, but you can throw your phone in that hard-to-reach-spot between your couch and the wall. Since you don’t have the arms of Slenderman and are too weak to move the couch and the rug (and too lazy to vacuum the dust under the rug), for whole hours you won’t be able to buy anything from a targeted Instagram ad.

5. Sit down. Revolt by slowing down. Listen to every podcast at 0.5x speed. Find a long video of a grandma peeling potatoes and watch the entire thing. While your kid sleeps or your boss talks, let your mind wander. Consider how there are billions of stars in the Milky Way, which is one of a billion galaxies in our expansive universe, and we happen to be living on this beautiful, fragile exception to the rule called Earth. Aristotle became Aristotle by sitting around for hours. Who knows what’ll happen if you stop moving and just think.

6. Everyone has unlimited P.T.O. if they take longer bathroom breaks. You were born free, but now some rando who doesn’t know your middle name gets to tell you which days you’re allowed to relax? Block off an hour in your calendar just to wiggle your toes. Copy and paste magazine articles into a Google doc and concentrate like it’s for a big project. Company time doesn’t have to cut into your me time.

7. Legally, you actually do have to do your job—unless you scour your boss’s social media to suss out all of their interests and then ask them detailed questions about snorkelling, which “Sex and the City” character they are, and which of their kids is their favorite. Oops, now it’s almost lunchtime, nothing’s been accomplished, and the C.E.O. won’t get his million-dollar bonus this year.

8. All dogs, and also people who pick their friends up at the airport, go to heaven. Sure, it’s faster to take a Lyft. But then the corporation wins and you won’t get a whole car ride to listen to the new Sabrina Carpenter album with your bestie and dissect which song is about Camila Cabello having an affair with her ex.

9. Cynical, detached people are boring and just feed the capitalist machine. Be thirsty. Linger in the doorway when you say goodbye to friends. Tell them when you like their haircuts. Remember your favorite co-worker’s birthday. Don’t just tap that Like button on Instagram when someone DMs you. Write it out: “I like this meme, bro. And I like you.”

10. Co-parent a vacuum cleaner with a neighbor. Co-own all your purses with your siblings. Turn your basil plant into two basil plants, and then give one away. Share your Amazon Prime password with everyone you know. Sharing is caring, but it’s also hurting Jeff Bezos, and isn’t that all that matters? ♦