If the Magic from the Movie “Practical Magic” Had Actually Been Practical
“Practical Magic”
Being able to light a candle without putting a flame to it.
Actually Practical Magic
Being able to feed a parking meter without putting money into it or having to download another one of those parking apps.
“Practical Magic”
Bringing Jimmy Angelov, your abusive dead boyfriend, back to life.
Actually Practical Magic
Bringing Monstera esqueleto, your expensive dead houseplant, back to life.
“Practical Magic”
Concocting midnight margaritas with eye of newt, toe of frog, wing of bat, tongue of dog, adder’s fork, blind worm’s sting, Barbados lime, and fragias salt.
Actually Practical Magic
Concocting midday margaritas with ingredients more readily available at Trader Joe’s.
“Practical Magic”
Stirring a morning cup of coffee via telekinesis.
Actually Practical Magic
Flossing your teeth every morning via any kind of miracle.
“Practical Magic”
Conjuring up a romantic partner whose favorite shape is a star, who can flip elaborately shaped pancakes, who has heterochromia, and who can ride a horse backward.
Actually Practical Magic
Conjuring up a life partner whose salary is that of a K-pop star, who can prepare pancake batter (and not from a box), who does not have any optical abnormalities as your health insurance doesn’t cover vision, and who can parallel park.
“Practical Magic”
Casting a spell on a local young man so that he falls madly in love with your niece.
Actually Practical Magic
Casting a spell on your niece so that she falls out of love with her terrible high-school boyfriend.
“Practical Magic”
Cursing a kid with chicken pox because they keep calling you names.
Actually Practical Magic
Cursing your kid’s school messaging system that contacts you three times a day with malware.
“Practical Magic”
Performing an exorcism with a coven, to get rid of a stubborn demon.
Actually Practical Magic
Performing an exorcism on the oven, to get rid of stubborn grease stains.
“Practical Magic”
Flying off the roof of a beautiful, five-story house and landing on your feet.
Actually Practical Magic
Landing on your feet, by inheriting a beautiful, five-story house. ♦