It’s hard to imagine Bill Belichick going back to school to perform Triple Lindy at UNC

That Bill Belichick is talking with the University of North Carolina about being its next football coach brings to mind the late Rodney Dangerfield’s Thornton Melon character in the campus comedy “Back to School.” Dangerfield plays an aging millionaire clothing manufacturer who enrolls in college, the idea being that it’ll keep his son from dropping out, and of course, hilarity ensues at a high level — right down to our overweight, over-the-hill student winning a diving competition by sticking the rare Triple Lindy.

“Back to School” is hilarious, but it takes the suspension of disbelief to an absurd level. And that’s why I don’t think Belichick is going to emerge as the college head-coaching version of Thornton Melon. My suspension of disbelief just can’t click into place in such a way as to envision this crusty NFL lifer, who turns 73 in April, pacing the sideline at Chapel Hill’s Kenan Memorial Stadium.

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Bill Belichick interviews for North Carolina head-coaching job: Sources

It’s always important to follow the money when writing about megastar coaches and athletes. But in Belichick’s case, it’s also important to follow the history. And you know exactly where I’m going with this: Belichick is the proud owner of 333 total victories as an NFL head coach, leaving him 14 victories from tying the late Don Shula (347) for the all-time record. While it makes sense that Belichick would want to break the record, I have a different take from the crowd that believes it’d be a chance for some sort of celestial payback aimed at Shula. Yes, Shula made snarky comments about Belichick in 2007 after the Hoodie was bagged for his role in the Spygate shenanigans. And it’s reasonable to assume Shula’s comments didn’t go over well in the Belichick household.

But Belichick loves history, all kinds of history, especially football history. As the son of the late Steve Belichick, a longtime member of the coaching staff at Navy, he grew up with football — just as longtime baseball manager Terry Francona grew up with baseball by virtue of being the son of Tito Francona, who played 15 seasons in the big leagues.

For Belichick to break the record would be to attach the family name to coaching greatness. It wouldn’t just be honoring his own accomplishments, but those of his father as well as his two sons — Steve, the defensive coordinator at the University of Washington, and Brian, who coaches safeties for the Patriots.

But I’m not naive. If breaking the record means knocking Shula out of the top spot, that’s fine. I just don’t think it’s what gets Belichick out of bed each morning.

However, it’s possible there won’t be a next NFL head-coaching job for Belichick. It was assumed he’d emerge as head coach of the Atlanta Falcons this season after the Kraft family ended his quarter-century run with the Patriots; instead, Falcons owner Arthur Blank hired Los Angeles Rams defensive coordinator Raheem Morris. In doing so, Blank chose the familiar over the famous, Morris having worked for the Falcons for six seasons before joining the Rams in 2021.

The Insiders on @NFLGameDay Kickoff with @TomPelissero: A look at a fascinating situation for Bill Belichick, who could be to UNC what Coach Prime is to Colorado; Plus, Mike Vrabel likely will have multiple options. pic.twitter.com/NKdu4uYz01

— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) December 6, 2024

The NFL seems to be trending in the direction of hiring younger and younger coaches. Some of these guys look more like bouncers than coaches. If it’s been somehow back-channeled to Belichick he’s not likely to land an NFL job, one could see him pivoting to college football. It would illustrate that he still prefers coaching over the multitude of well-compensated media side hustles he’s running these days.

Steve DeOssie, who played 12 seasons in the NFL as a linebacker and long snapper and has remained friends with Belichick from their time together on the New York Giants and (briefly) the Patriots, later worked for Boston’s all-sports WEEI and would do weekly hits with this former coach. “We had him on this one time and I asked him what he thought he’d have done with his life had he never gone into coaching,” DeOssie said. “Without hesitation, he said, ‘Teacher.’ I was thinking about that when I heard he had talked with North Carolina.”

DeOssie doesn’t think Belichick will wind up at Chapel Hill, though he called the idea “interesting.” Nor do I think Belichick’s headed there, either. Why? Follow the history.

Belichick broke into the coaching business with the Baltimore Colts in 1975. His title was “special assistant,” which means he wasn’t special at all. He was also 23 years old, starting at the bottom. He then spent a few years with the Detroit Lions, the team his father played for in 1941, and then it was on to the Denver Broncos for a few years. He emerged as a legit NFL coaching star during his 12 seasons on Bill Parcells’ staff with the Giants, two of those seasons resulting in Super Bowl victories. Next came his five-year stint as head coach of the Original Cleveland Browns, followed by a year working under Parcells with the Patriots, followed by their three years together with the Jets. And then those 24 seasons with the Patriots, with nine trips to the Super Bowl, six of them victorious.

That’s 50 years of football right there. A lifetime, practically. All in the NFL. It’s only natural he’d want to go back.

But you don’t survive in the NFL for a half-century, be it as a special assistant or the head coach of a perennial Super Bowl contender, unless you always have a Plan B on your play sheet.

Could Belichick’s latest Plan B (or Plan C) take him to North Carolina? Maybe. But I doubt it.

(Photo: Maddie Meyer / Getty Images)