My Evening Depression Beauty Routine

1. Beauty routines, believe it or not, start with what you put in your body. Drink a lot of water during the day in order to keep your skin hydrated and bright. That said, I personally recommend a litre of Coke Zero, preferably flat, that you’ve left next to your bed because making the thirty-second walk from your room to the kitchen is so daunting that you would rather drink warm soda. Hold your pee for outrageous periods of time for added self-inflicted punishment.

2. It’s easy to forget to care for your teeth, but they’re a part of your face, too! Do not brush them, because nothing matters. Eating an old pulled-pork sandwich you found at the back of your fridge is basically like flossing, so you’re probably covered there.

3. Evening skin care is important, but before I get to it I always tie my hair back, to keep it dry and out of the way. My favorite hair tie is a rubber band I took off asparagus that I bought at the farmers’ market three weeks ago, when Scott and I were still together. I haven’t thrown the rubber band away yet. I’m just not ready.

4. Removing your makeup is key, as it keeps pimples at bay. I like Cucumber-Melon Mist Makeup Wipes, but if they aren’t available I like to sleep in the same makeup for three or four nights in a row until my mascara has flaked off and is streaked across my pillow. Sleep on the opposite pillow and stare at your mascara stains to feel like you are still next to a warm body that loves you back.

5. I mean, I’m fine. I’m going to be fine.

6. Toner helps shrink your pores, but will it make you pick up the phone when your mom calls for the tenth time in a row? Hard to say.

7. Even if you’re young, it’s never too early to start an anti-aging skin-care routine. But what I like to do is sit on the toilet from 11:30 P.M. to around one-forty-five in the morning, scrolling through my phone to see what Scott is up to on Instagram. He looks good. When did he start working out? Is he dating someone? Maybe that’s his sister. Did he always have a hot sister? You’ll know you’re done with this step when both of your legs fall asleep.

8. I didn’t throw the asparagus out, either. It’s still in my fridge. I know I should.

9. Wash your face with an unscented cleanser. While you’re hunting for it, find a bottle of beard oil that Scott left in your apartment. Call him eighteen times to see if he wants it back. You know he doesn’t. Send a text with the winking smiley-face emoji for good measure.

10. Pull out ten short, thick black hairs from your upper lip. Inspect them individually.

11. Exfoliate! Get rid of those old, dead skin cells. You could love again. There’s still time for you.

12. Moisturize!!!!

13. Right before bed, apply rosewater-beeswax lip balm to your lips to hydrate them overnight. It’s a good thing you spent twenty-two dollars for this glorified petroleum jelly, because you are definitely, definitely going to leave the house tomorrow. Right after you throw out that asparagus. But, first, maybe check with Scott to see if he wants it.