Reasons I Was Crying on the Subway

I was listening to a sad part of an audiobook.

I’d just remembered that I forgot to take my anti-crying medication.

When I was waiting on the platform, something ran over my foot. I looked down and realized that it was the train.

I was doing an impression of someone who is crying.

I was listening to a recording of my wife giving birth, and then had a strange impulse to play it backward. When I did, I discovered a secret message, in which my wife confessed that she didn’t love me, and that the baby wasn’t mine.

I brought raw onions onto the subway to eat, but then got some onion juice in my eye.

I was reminded of my recent breakup when I saw a rat breaking up with another rat.

I saw a Seamless ad that said “Food Is Bae” or something similar and lost my faith in the human race.

I got the free Wi-Fi on the subway to work and cried tears of joy.

I got the free Wi-Fi on the subway to work, then saw that the guy next to me also got the Wi-Fi to work but was using it to watch porn.

I suddenly recalled that scene in “Toy Story 3” where the toys are stuck in the incinerator and think that they’re going to die, and so stop struggling, hold hands, and accept their imminent demise.

I saw the new trailer for “Toy Story 4.”

I saw someone with knuckle tats that spelled out “I LOVE YOU.” And, yes, that is the right number of letters, but it was split up into “ILOV” and “EYOU.”

I was having a staring contest with the person sitting across from me.

I was trying to make sure that no one sat next to me, because sitting next to someone who is crying is almost as bad as sitting next to someone who is using his phone to watch porn.

I was listening to an audiobook and remembered how expensive Audible is.

I had just received some medical news—that the doctors would in fact be able to operate to remove my tear ducts.

I had just received a text from my long-lost son.

I had just received a rambling e-mail from my long-lost son that had, like, a hundred questions in it and so I snoozed it in my in-box, and then realized that maybe this kind of behavior is why he’s long lost.

My long-lost son accidentally sent me a dick pic that was intended for his partner. But then I noticed that, despite all the years and emotional distance, his dick looks just like mine.

As part of Governor Cuomo’s subway-improvement program, they’ve installed spikes that randomly shoot up from the subway seat into your butt. This happened to me, but I didn’t want to make a scene, so I decided to just cry silently instead.

I saw a news alert from CNN that doctors were reanimating Mr. Rogers.

I saw a news alert from CNN that doctors had lost control of the reanimated corpse of Mr. Rogers and that he’d been going on an undead rampage, which pundits were calling Bloody Red Sweater Day.

I saw a news alert from CNN that they’d managed to kill Zombie Mr. Rogers.

The person next to me dropped a plastic bottle on the floor, and it rolled into my foot.

I imagined confronting my seatmate about it and got so intimidated that I started to cry.