Sadness Lamp F.A.Q. | The New Yorker

Congratulations on your new LifeBrite Sadness Lamp, clinically proven to treat seasonal affective disorder (SAD), as well as depression that just seems to get worse over time, regardless of the season. We hope it brings you many more years of being able to tolerate all this than you previously anticipated. To get you started, here are some frequently asked questions regarding your lamp:

Can I use different colored bulbs in my LifeBrite Sadness Lamp?

Here at LifeBrite Appliances, we believe that happiness should come in only one color—Blinding Happiness White.

Will my Sadness Lamp dry my tears?

Yes! Your LifeBrite Sadness Lamp is equipped with our patented Ionizer, which can blast white light through even the tightly clenched fingers shielding your eyes. You will be able to actually feel the blinding happiness washing over your body as you cower in the corner. While the Ionizer feature is in use, it is technically impossible for any mammal within twenty feet of the lamp to produce tears, or for any nearby substance to retain liquid form.

Where was my Sadness Lamp made?

Your LifeBrite Sadness Lamp was produced deep in scenic LifeBrite Valley Industrial Park, just ten minutes north of Albuquerque, New Mexico. All our Sadness Lamps are assembled by technicians who are totally considered older than eighteen in most countries, and are provided with a complete vending-machine diet, rich in riboflavin, as well as an endless supply of blinding white light.

Why is my Sadness Lamp humming?

Your Sadness Lamp may have achieved sentience. Please perform the LifeBrite Sadness Lamp Sentience Test, which can be downloaded from our Web site. Be sure that the questions on the test have in no way been made available to your Sadness Lamp beforehand. If your Sadness Lamp tests positive for sentience, please promptly immerse it in boric acid, and we will send you a brand-new, non-sentient lamp.

My Sadness Lamp talks to me. Is this normal?

Our Sadness Lamps sometimes gain the power of speech. If your LifeBrite Sadness Lamp is speaking in German, please follow the instructions outlined under Question 4. Otherwise, it is advisable to obey all verbal commands from your lamp.

My Sadness Lamp is smoking. Is this normal?

Occasionally, our Sadness Lamps overload on the egomaniacal melancholy of their owners and take up smoking as a coping mechanism. If your lamp does not respond to a smoking-cessation program, please follow the instructions outlined under Question 4.

Who got me this lamp?

Our Sadness Lamps are purchased by men and women of all ages looking to brighten their moods, and by people who cannot take one more minute of your constant whining and have performed desperate Internet searches for how to make it stop. If you’ve received a LifeBrite Sadness Lamp and don’t know who sent it to you, be prepared to also receive a mysterious shipment of energy crystals in the coming weeks.

Is it O.K. to do recreational drugs while using my Sadness Lamp?

It is advisable that you do copious amounts of recreational drugs while using your Sadness Lamp. Like, stuff you have to go downtown to get.

I drew an angry face on my Sadness Lamp with a permanent marker, and now it won’t come off. Can I have a new lamp?

Unfortunately, we cannot supply you with a new Sadness Lamp to replace the one you have defaced, but we do sell a LifeBrite Sadness Lamp Facial-Expression-Alteration Kit on our Web site, for $14.95.

Will my Sadness Lamp help me reign eternally in the afterlife?

Yes! LifeBrite is proud to have manufactured the first-ever Sadness Lamp to assist in reigning in the afterlife.

Is there an afterlife?

We get this one a lot. Here at LifeBrite, we are strong believers that there is an afterlife, and that the only way to insure your supreme reign in it is exposure to the blinding white glow of a LifeBrite Sadness Lamp.

My spouse left me because I kept bringing my Sadness Lamp into bed. Can you help me find a new spouse?

Unfortunately, this is a common occurrence among our Sadness Lamp owners. But LifeBrite Appliances is hard at work on the LifeBrite Sadness Spouse, slated for release in 2019.

Will the Sadness Spouse let me be the iron in Monopoly, or will it leave me like everything else I’ve ever loved?

Unfortunately, we cannot discuss the Sadness Spouse in detail at this time, as it is still in its experimental phase, but—the iron? Are you for real? Who picks the iron?

We hope this was helpful. Your feedback is important to us! ♦