The Electable Female Candidate: Part 2

Since the publication of Part 1 of this article, some additional qualifications have been added to the job description of electable female candidate.

The electable female candidate doesn’t throw her hat into the ring. She delicately places it into the ring and then makes a big deal of saying that anyone who likes her hat should keep it, since it’s easy enough for her to buy another one at Target.

She steps confidently onto the debate stage wearing a tight-fitting dress, blue Crocs, and an American-flag jean jacket, which comes across as sexy to some, practical to others, and confusing to most. She is tall enough to string the lights around the top of a Christmas tree without a ladder, yet small enough so as not to be threatening to any congressmen.

She has three children of various genders. Her children are young enough to be cute in photos but old enough to be in college or married, insuring that they won’t distract her from political ambition. Her husband is a rugged cowboy who has never done a lick of child care, but who believes in a woman’s right to choose how many children she would like to raise alone while he tends to the cattle.

Though she is not a childless cat lady, she does have four cats who are well known from their viral TikTok account (@DontLookMeow69).

She will put migrants on a bus, but the bus is heading to Disney World for a six-year, all-inclusive stay at the Polynesian. She speaks out in favor of oil, but also understands that too much oil can overpower a recipe.

She will send you stimulus checks, but she won’t sign them, because that’s bragging. She’ll put tariffs on Chinese cars and electronics, but not on all the cool junk your mom wants to buy from Temu.

She gets every cultural reference, from brat to Brat Pack, from simp to “The Simpsons,” from skibidi to yabba dabba doo. She adorably believes that “Snatched” is a thriller starring Liam Neeson.

When she smiles, she lights up a room. When she speaks, no one can hear her. If she turns her body sideways, she vanishes.

As soon as she’s elected, she’s turning the White House into a Margaritaville. She will appoint Dolly Parton to the Supreme Court. Chappell Roan will be her U.N. Ambassador. Her Administration’s motto will be “Yes, We Can, If It’s O.K. with You.”

She will absolutely never compromise her principles, except when it gets her more votes. She owns a Glock, but it’s buried in a locked chest three thousand leagues under the sea.

She will be elected President when the world is ready, but she doesn’t mind waiting. ♦